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  • White House Declares Economy “Too Strong for Numbers,” Cancels All Reports
  • Judge Scolds Justice Department for ‘Profound Investigative Missteps’ in Comey Case
  • Florida Rep Shocked to Learn Disaster Funds Aren’t ‘Personal Rainy-Day Money
  • UN Endorses Trump Gaza Plan, Diplomats Pray It Comes With Instructions
  • Epstein Files to Be Released; Congress Achieves Bipartisanship Only When Terrified
  • Trump Pardons “Patriots of the Past,” Declares 2020 Election “Officially Un-Overturned”
  • Canadian Border Agents Heroically Stop Man Armed With Nothing but Expertise
  • Congress Unites to Demand Epstein Files, Alarming Everyone Who Assumed They’d Never Agree on Anything
  • GOP Caught Off Guard as Trump Suddenly Endorses Honesty, Chaos Ensues
  • Trump Scraps Food Tariffs, Says Prices Will Plummet; Economists Ask “Wait… How?”

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