Albertans Reject Independence, Requests Slightly Less Expensive Existential Collapse

At the philosophical crossroads of Marlborough Mall, Natalie Thoma bravely rejects the concept of Alberta independence, choosing instead the far more radical position of wanting groceries she can afford.

“Why should Alberta be its own country?” she asks, moments before likely being charged $9 for strawberries and a vague sense of dread.

While Premier Danielle Smith performs her ongoing one-woman show Sovereignty Within a United Canada: Now You See It, Now You Don’t, Thoma proposes a simpler policy platform: pick a lane, preferably one that leads to lower rent.

A poll by CBC News and Janet Brown Opinion Research found 67% of Albertans want leaders to declare how they’d vote in a separation referendum, an adorable belief that clarity still exists in modern politics.

Meanwhile, Canadians continue enjoying one of the greatest countries in the world, where national unity is strong, affordable housing is theoretical, and existential crises now come in family-size packs.

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