In a press briefing that historians are already describing as “a migraine wrapped in a time machine,” the White House announced that slavery is being taught “too negatively” in schools. Officials suggested reframing the institution as “an early American internship program” with “strong emphasis on agricultural skills and teamwork.”
“Students should learn that enslaved people weren’t just victims,” one aide explained, “they were part of a vibrant job-training initiative, albeit one with no pay, freedom, or rights.” Critics noted that the new curriculum also proposes “bonus points for loyalty” and an optional field trip to a cotton gin.
Civil rights groups condemned the move, while the Department of Education assured parents it would provide “balanced perspectives,” including chapters titled Plantation Positivity and Whip It Good: Discipline in the Old South.
When asked whether the policy trivialized human suffering, one official replied: “Not at all. We just think history should be more upbeat. Like Disney’s “Song of the South”, but with more chains.”
