Don Jr. Honoured Father Maintaining Lifelong Commitment To Not Showing Up
President Donald Trump announced last Friday he will not attend Donald Trump Jr.’s wedding in the Bahamas, proving once again that no American family has suffered more under the Trump presidency than the Trump family itself.
Speaking to reporters, Trump explained that while he wanted to attend his eldest son’s wedding, the ongoing Iran war and “other things” made it impossible to spend several hours pretending to care about another human being.
“Don understands,” Trump reportedly said before immediately asking aides which son Don Jr. was.
The president later posted a congratulatory message on Truth Social written entirely in the tone of a hostage letter dictated by a campaign consultant. White House staff confirmed Trump briefly considered attending after learning the wedding was being held at a luxury resort, but lost interest once informed cameras would mainly be focused on the bride.
Sources close to the family say Don Jr. was disappointed but not surprised, noting Trump has always promoted “family values” in the same way fast food chains promote “freshness”, as a purely decorative concept nobody is expected to inspect too closely.
At press time, Trump was reportedly spending the weekend at his golf club to protect America from Iran by being near a buffet shrimp tower in New Jersey.
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