Danielle Smith Assures Peasants $100 Should Cover Whatever They’re Complaining About

Danielle Smith announced Wednesday that every eligible Albertan will receive a $100 energy rebate beginning July 1, proving that if peasants complain loudly enough, the Queen will occasionally toss coins from the palace balcony.

The rebate, funded by months of elevated gas prices, is being promoted as returning prosperity to Albertans, in much the same way a mugger returning bus fare is technically giving money back.

Government officials say the average Albertan will receive more than the fuel tax relief program would have provided, encouraging citizens not to dwell on why affording groceries now requires a royal proclamation and a rebate application.

Sources inside the Legislature confirmed the payment was carefully calculated: large enough to generate grateful headlines, but small enough that Albertans might briefly forget they still can’t afford rent, insurance, electricity, or filling the gas tank the rebate is supposedly meant to celebrate.

At press time, Smith was reportedly assuring struggling families that if bread remained too expensive, there was always $100.

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