Alberta’s long-abandoned coal mines have finally found a new purpose: slowly poisoning everything downstream. A new study reveals that heavy metals and toxic runoff from these derelict sites are leaching into local rivers, creating a kind of artisanal fish extinction effort, handcrafted by history, perfected by neglect.
Researchers found elevated levels of selenium and cadmium in waterways once deemed “moderately habitable,” now upgraded to “liquid despair.” Fish populations are suffering deformities, reproductive failures, and in some cases, a deeply relatable sense of futility.
“This isn’t just environmental degradation,” said one scientist. “It’s legacy sabotage.”
The Alberta government responded by reminding citizens that coal built this province, along with the cancer clusters, and promised to “look into it,” right after oil prices recover, the economy stabilizes, and pigs unionize.
Meanwhile, trout are reportedly considering a class-action lawsuit, or at least an organized swim-out.
