Alberta Government Launches Emergency Hunt For Employee Weak Enough To Throw Under Bus
Danielle Smith, who once campaigned on restoring “accountability” to government with the intensity of a televangelist selling apocalypse buckets, responded to Alberta’s alleged voter data breach this week by immediately beginning the ancient provincial ritual known as Finding A Guy To Feed To The Wolves.
“We are aware of the situation,” the premier announced solemnly, in the same tone used by captains informing passengers the iceberg has been promoted to management.
Smith insisted that “those responsible should be held accountable under the law,” carefully phrasing the statement as though the incident had been committed by drifting nomads entirely unknown to her government, and certainly not by people orbiting the same political wedding circuit as half the province’s conservative establishment.
Sources inside government say emergency preparations are already underway to identify a mid-level disposable staffer whose LinkedIn profile can absorb the blast radius. Insiders describe the plan as “Operation Human Sandbag.”
For years, Smith promised a new era of transparency and personal responsibility. Albertans are finally getting both: they can now transparently watch responsibility being dragged into an alley and executed behind a dumpster while senior officials hold a press conference about “lessons learned.”
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