White House Rebrands Imperialism As All-You-Can-Eat Seafood Initiative
The Trump administration has reportedly identified a new strategic threat facing the United States: the horrifying possibility that middle-aged Americans might someday encounter a finite quantity of shrimp.
After months of discussing Arctic security, mineral wealth, and competition with China, officials now say Greenland’s greatest value lies in helping restore the endless shrimp promotions that once helped drive Red Lobster into bankruptcy.
“History will remember this as our generation’s Berlin Airlift,” said one adviser, referring to the urgent task of ensuring no American is forced to stop eating shrimp simply because economics exists.
Experts noted it is rare to watch a superpower openly admit that its foreign policy goals have evolved from spreading democracy to securing unlimited seafood refills.
The proposal has reassured many voters concerned America was losing its status as a serious country.
At press time, military planners were reportedly evaluating whether sovereignty over Iceland could finally solve the nation’s mozzarella stick crisis.
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