Alberta Independence Rebranded As Exciting New Subscription Service Costing $10,000 Per Year

Alberta Premier Danielle Smith stunned supporters this week by unveiling the first official estimate of what independence from Canada might cost, revealing that freedom apparently comes with several hidden fees, mandatory upgrades, and a monthly payment plan stretching into eternity.

According to government calculations, an independent Alberta would require nearly $400 billion in start-up costs, or about $80,000 per resident. Officials described the figure as “less a nation-building exercise and more a reverse lottery.”

The province would also face annual costs of up to $50 billion to replace federal programs, establish a military, create a pension system, build border crossings, negotiate trade deals, regulate banks, railways, telecommunications, and somehow invent a post office in 2026.

Separatists who had imagined independence as a giant pile of free oil money were reportedly devastated to learn that countries are more expensive than bumper stickers.

At press time, several Albertans were asking whether it might be cheaper to simply buy Canada outright.

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