In a bold move described by critics as “geopolitical self-harm with patriotic flair,” House Republicans unveiled a bill Thursday calling for the United States to withdraw from NATO. The bill, titled the “Freedom from Foreign Acronyms Act,” accuses NATO of being “too European, too expensive, and not sufficiently focused on important American issues, like banning oat milk.”
Proponents of the bill argue that after decades of protecting allies, it’s time for America to “focus on defending itself – from reality, mostly.” One Republican congressman declared, “If France wants help, they can ask their cheese.”
Meanwhile, European leaders reportedly responded with a mix of confusion, horror, and polite chuckling. Moscow was spotted popping champagne.
President Biden, when asked for comment, stared into the distance and whispered, “Oh no, not again.”
The Pentagon has already begun repurposing maps. Alaska, officials say, may now count as the eastern front.
