US Government Assures Public Free Speech Thriving as Long as No One Uses It
In a bold initiative to protect Americans from the dangers of hearing things, the Pentagon recently unveiled a groundbreaking press policy: journalists are welcome, so long as they promise not to do journalism.
The plan, widely praised by officials as “free speech adjacent”, required reporters to agree to rules so vague they could theoretically outlaw blinking in a suspicious tone. When some refused, they were swiftly escorted out for the crime of having professional instincts.
Enter U.S. District Judge Paul Friedman, who stunned officials by ruling that the First Amendment still exists and is not, in fact, optional DLC. The lawsuit, led by The New York Times, argued that “you can’t punish reporters for reporting,” a controversial take in certain government circles.
Undeterred, reporters have continued showing up, asking questions, and generally behaving like a stubborn rash democracy can’t quite get rid of. Officials say they will appeal, possibly to a higher court or, failing that, a strongly worded group chat where dissent is muted.
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