In yet another sermon from the golf cart mount, Donald Trump declared during a weekend rally that “God listens to me more than anyone else, maybe more than ever before.” The crowd cheered, the skies remained clear, and several theologians spontaneously retired.
“I talk to God. He tells me things. Terrific things,” Trump said, gesturing skyward as if expecting divine applause. “Some people say I’m like a second Jesus, but taller and with better real estate.”
Critics are alarmed. “When someone starts suggesting the Lord needs his campaign advice, you’ve left the realm of politics and entered the Book of Revelations, Florida Edition,” said one exhausted pastor.
Meanwhile, the Trump campaign has launched a “Messiah 2024” hat line, with the slogan: Make Heaven Great Again.
God was unavailable for comment, but sources close to the Almighty say He’s “considering a restraining order.”
