Trump’s Military Parade Draws Dozens, Traffic Lightly Impacted
In a show of force that left several squirrels visibly startled, former President Donald Trump’s long-promised military parade finally rolled through a three-block stretch of Washington on Saturday, drawing dozens of flag-waving supporters and at least one confused food truck vendor.
“We wanted tanks, we got a rented Humvee and a guy in surplus camo shouting ‘freedom!’” said attendee Dale Rumsfeld, who wore a sequined ‘Space Force’ hat and called the event “better than a flea market, worse than a NASCAR crash.”
The parade featured a patriotic lineup: two junior ROTC students on scooters, a marching band from a Florida retirement village, and a float shaped like the Constitution — though sources later confirmed it was actually a repurposed Chick-fil-A billboard.
Trump addressed the crowd via bullhorn from a golf cart, declaring, “This is the biggest, most tremendous military parade—some say ever, maybe since Caesar!” Moments later, a passing jogger outdrew the parade in crowd size, prompting a brief identity crisis among the honor guard.
While the Pentagon declined to participate, citing “reasons,” Trump promised next year’s parade will include battleships, drones, and “at least one live eagle.” Meanwhile, cleanup crews are expected to finish gathering MAGA confetti by Tuesday.
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