In what analysts are generously calling “foreign policy,” former President Donald Trump declared he is ready to invade a U.S. ally if it doesn’t bow to his demands. Which ally? He wouldn’t say—because apparently suspense is part of diplomacy now.
Speaking to supporters, Trump claimed that America has been “too nice” and that sometimes you have to “treat friends worse than enemies” to keep them in line. He then promised that if this unnamed ally didn’t comply, “our tanks will be rolling through their streets so fast they’ll be thanking me before the shelling stops.”
The Pentagon reportedly responded with the diplomatic equivalent of a migraine, while NATO officials began pricing bulk anxiety medication. Critics note that threatening war against an ally is typically frowned upon, but Trump’s team insists it’s “just business.” Markets, meanwhile, are bracing for the world’s first hostile takeover executed with actual missiles.
