Trump Finally Finds Investment That Appreciates Faster Than His Ethics Depreciate

Donald Trump disclosed earning roughly $1.2 billion from cryptocurrency last year, proving that the fastest way to make money in America isn’t innovation; it’s becoming the guy who decides which industries get rich.

For decades Trump insisted real estate was the greatest investment on Earth. Turns out owning the government appreciates much faster.

The disclosure shows billions flowing from crypto ventures boosted by his own administration’s policies, foreign real estate deals with governments hoping to stay on his good side, lawsuits against media companies that suddenly discovered settlement is cheaper than regulation, and a steady stream of Trump-branded Bibles, guitars and watches for supporters determined to tithe directly to the Messiah of Self-Dealing.

Historians say it’s the first presidency to operate less like public service and more like a Kickstarter campaign for one extremely wealthy man.

At press time, the White House gift shop had begun accepting bribes through its official crypto wallet.

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