Trump Demands Investigations Into Negative Approval Rating Polls
Former President Donald Trump has called for immediate investigations into what he described as “rigged” approval rating polls, following a string of surveys placing his favorability somewhere between gas station sushi and a root canal without anesthesia.
“I’ve seen the numbers, folks,” Trump said in a hastily scheduled press conference at his resort, which was briefly interrupted when he mistook a golf cart horn for an alarm. “They say my approval is low, very low – the lowest! But I have tremendous approval. Everyone says it.”
Trump went on to accuse pollsters of conspiring against him, possibly in coordination with “deep state mathematicians” and “radical statisticians.” He demanded that the Department of Justice open a full investigation into the methods used to calculate his ratings, suggesting they should include only “loyal patriots, honest Americans, and people who know how to compliment a golf swing.”
Sources within his inner circle say Trump has also been exploring whether he can trademark the phrase “fake poll” and is rumored to have asked his aides to create a survey that measures his approval exclusively among immediate family members, close friends, and mirror reflections.
When asked about the potential cost of such investigations, Trump reportedly replied, “Whatever it takes – we’ll make CNN pay for it.”
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