Trump Appoints 22-Year-Old Ex-Gardener and Grocery Store Assistant to Lead U.S. Terror Prevention
In a move that has left both intelligence experts and late-night comedians gasping for air, former President Donald Trump has appointed 22-year-old Blake “BJ” Harmon—a part-time gardener, full-time grocery store assistant, and TikTok conspiracy theorist—as the new head of U.S. Terror Prevention.
“BJ gets it,” Trump said at a Mar-a-Lago press conference. “He once trimmed my hedges and rang me up for frozen waffles. That’s real-world experience, folks—not like those deep-state Harvard types.”
Harmon, who has no formal education in security but did once watch four seasons of 24, told reporters he plans to “vibe-check terror threats before they become a thing” and that he’s developing “a color-coded gut feeling chart.”
His first official act? Ordering drone surveillance over “suspicious vegan co-ops” and an Etsy store run by a woman named Moonbeam.
When asked if he had concerns over Harmon’s qualifications, Trump replied, “Nope. I trust people who can operate a lawn mower and a barcode scanner. That’s more than Biden ever did.”
Sources inside the Pentagon reportedly sobbed into their camouflage and muttered, “We’ve entered the parody timeline.”
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