Spell “Covfefe” Correctly, New Federal Employees Must Now Write Essays Praising Trump’s Policies
In a bold move to restore “patriotic excellence” and/or fear-based job security, the federal government has announced that all new employees must now submit a 500-word essay praising the policies of former President Donald J. Trump. The directive, signed quietly by a recently promoted intern with a very gold pen, aims to “weed out the disloyal, the educated, and anyone with basic reading comprehension.”
Applicants to agencies ranging from the Department of Agriculture to the National Weather Service must demonstrate a “deep and slightly worshipful” understanding of Trump’s accomplishments — including, but not limited to, “the economic miracle of 2017,” “solving COVID with sunlight,” and “strongly worded tweets that almost definitely scared China.”
Bonus points are awarded for artistic flair, use of the phrase “witch hunt,” and correct spelling of “covfefe,” which now counts as a “patriotic shibboleth.”
Critics say the move is “unconstitutional, cultish, and probably illegal,” but supporters counter that it’s “just good fun,” noting that “you don’t want someone managing endangered species if they haven’t read The Art of the Deal twice.”
The policy has already disqualified 78% of applicants, most of whom failed to cite Trump’s 2018 hurricane map edits as “bold meteorological innovation.”
When asked what happens to applicants who refuse to participate, an anonymous HR official replied, “They’re reassigned to the Biden Memory Archive. It’s just a room with a flickering light and no exit.”
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