Independent presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has defended a proposed $500 million cut to federal mRNA vaccine programs, citing what experts describe as “a word salad so dense you could serve it with ranch.”
Speaking at a press conference, Kennedy claimed the cuts were necessary to protect Americans from “nanobot lipid spike quantum pathways,” a phrase that does not exist outside of Facebook comment sections.
“This is about safeguarding mitochondrial sovereignty,” Kennedy said, before accusing mRNA of “confusing our DNA into thinking it’s a Wi-Fi router.”
Public health officials expressed alarm, while linguists expressed pity. “We’ve entered a new era of pseudoscience,” said Dr. Ellen Marks, “where sentences look like science until you actually read them.”
Kennedy concluded by warning that “placebo frequencies” might already be in the water supply, a statement he later clarified was “metaphorical, unless it’s not.”
