In a revelation that stunned absolutely no one, Republican lawmakers declared this week that the United States is “not heading in the right direction,” citing everything from gas prices to the general existence of Democrats. Analysts noted the party has been making this same announcement every election cycle since roughly 1860, when the wrong direction was simply “north.”
Republicans insisted the nation has lost its moral compass, though they declined to specify what the “right direction” would look like, other than promising it involves tax cuts, stricter borders, and prayer breakfasts large enough to feed a small nation.
Critics observed that while the country is indeed staggering around like a drunk uncle at Thanksgiving, the GOP has been gleefully rearranging the furniture to ensure maximum stubbed toes. Pollsters predict voters will continue trudging forward, mostly because no one can find reverse.
