Alberta has officially logged more measles cases this year than the entire United States, cementing its reputation as “North America’s premiere open-air infectious disease museum.”
Premier Danielle Smith downplayed concerns, suggesting the outbreak is “a bold experiment in herd immunity – minus the immunity part.” She also reminded Albertans that “personal freedom sometimes means personal fevers, rashes, and irreversible complications.”
Health experts are less sanguine. One immunologist described the situation as “watching Oregon Trail play out in real life, except people are choosing dysentery on purpose.”
Meanwhile, the tourism ministry is exploring new slogans like “Alberta: Where History Infects You” and “Spots, Fevers, Freedom.”
CDC officials, stunned by Alberta’s achievement, admitted “we thought we’d have the monopoly on reckless public health policy, but Canada really said: hold my maple syrup.”
