Reports of a rising “Epstein panic” have sent Republican hallways into full lockdown, with aides reportedly Googling “how to enter witness protection” on government Wi-Fi. According to veteran journalist David Shuster, whispers from Department of Justice contacts suggest the unreleased Jeffrey Epstein files are “especially compromising” for Donald Trump – a phrase now setting off more alarms in Congress than “January 6 committee subpoena.”
Anonymous insiders say several House Republicans have abruptly canceled fundraising trips, citing “urgent family matters” and “the sudden need to delete everything.” Meanwhile, Mar-a-Lago sources claim Trump is calm, insisting he “barely knew the guy” before asking if Epstein ever mentioned him “in a flattering way.”
Epstein ever mentioned him “in a flattering way.”The DOJ declined to comment, though one official reportedly sighed, “You’ll see soon enough.” Cable news networks are already preparing special coverage titled Epstein Files: The Friend List That Ends Careers.
