In a bold new proposal that’s either visionary or vaguely dystopian, independent presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced his plan for every American to be outfitted with a government-issued “health tracking” device by 2029.
“These aren’t surveillance tools,” Kennedy assured a confused press corps. “They’re liberty monitors-think Fitbit meets Founding Father.” The devices would track heart rate, blood sugar, political apathy, and “general vibes,” with alerts sent directly to your local naturopath or militia leader.
Critics have slammed the initiative as a wellness-themed Orwell reboot. Supporters claim it’s the first time “freedom” has come with a battery life and Bluetooth pairing instructions. The program, dubbed “Project ConstitutionPulse,” would be mandatory-but “only if you care about your health and your country.”
When asked if he’d wear one himself, RFK Jr. said he already does- “but mine’s tuned to electromagnetic patriotism.”
