Tourists strolling the National Mall this morning were greeted by a new monument that no one asked for: a life-sized bronze statue of Jeffrey Epstein and Donald Trump, hand-in-hand, gazing into the distance like an unsettling rom-com poster.
No group has claimed responsibility for the statue’s sudden appearance, though experts suspect either guerrilla artists, disgruntled metalworkers, or a very committed bachelorette party prank. Park officials, meanwhile, are trapped in an awkward debate over whether to remove the installation or leave it as a “teachable moment about American nightmares.”
Children cried, pigeons refused to perch on it, and one elderly tourist reportedly shouted, “This is worse than the giant spider they put in Ottawa.”
By afternoon, the statue had already become a selfie hotspot, proving once again that in America, tragedy plus sculpture equals Instagram content.
