Alberta is cooking, and not in the charming “backyard barbecue” sense. Six communities set new daily temperature records over the past weeks, turning the province into a convection oven with better views. Environment Canada confirmed that several towns reached highs never before recorded, though residents were too busy sticking to patio furniture to celebrate.
In Edmonton, the asphalt bubbled like a cheap pizza, while in Medicine Hat, locals reported that eggs were frying on sidewalks without permission. Air conditioning units groaned under the pressure, threatening to unionize. Meanwhile, officials issued heat warnings that mostly amounted to: “Try not to die.”
The provincial government promised it was monitoring the situation closely from inside heavily air-conditioned offices. Some Albertans, however, suggested the heat was a divine punishment for oil sands expansion, while others insisted it was just “good prairie weather.” Regardless, locals are left wondering: if this is what summer is now, what fresh hell awaits next year?
