Senator Ted Cruz’s repeated claim that he raced home “as fast as humanly possible” during historic Texas flooding has begun to drown under a rising tide of evidence.
Flight records and resort staff confirm Cruz lingered an extra two days at his luxury beachfront villa while Texans drowned in their homes and entire towns washed away. “He said he was rushing back, but he spent 90 minutes arguing over which cabana chair had the best Wi-Fi,” one employee reported.
Meanwhile, European leaders reportedly responded with a mix of confusion, horror, and polite chuckling. Moscow was spotted popping champagne.
President Biden, when asked for comment, stared into the distance and whispered, “Oh no, not again.”
The Pentagon has already begun repurposing maps. Alaska, officials say, may now count as the eastern front.
