In a plot twist that even political thrillers would reject as too heavy-handed, the Trump administration has announced the indictment of former FBI Director James Comey. The charges, described vaguely as “disloyalty with extreme prejudice,” stem from Comey’s 2016 investigation that left Trump perpetually red-faced and Twitter-triggered.
Legal experts noted the indictment appears less like justice and more like a middle-school grudge finally finding a courtroom. The Department of Justice issued a statement clarifying that the indictment was “not political” before immediately thanking Trump for his “courageous leadership in avenging personal humiliation.”
Comey, for his part, reportedly responded by sighing audibly and remarking, “I should’ve gone into carpentry.”
Critics warn this marks the dawn of “retroactive prosecutions,” in which leaders indict anyone who once made them look bad, from late-night comedians to that barista who spelled “Donald” with two L’s. The Constitution, meanwhile, has been spotted rolling in its grave.
