In a move likely to delight anyone who enjoys long walks and accidentally mailing themselves into oblivion, Canada Post announced plans to end door-to-door delivery and shutter select offices nationwide. Officials say the changes are part of a “modernization effort,” which insiders admit mostly means “we’d like Canadians to pay for stamps with more cardio involved.”
Starting next year, letters and parcels may be retrieved from mysterious, hard-to-find community boxes, prompting citizens to update their fitness trackers or hire sherpas. Postal workers, meanwhile, will be retrained as urban explorers, tasked with navigating suburban labyrinths while delivering bills, junk mail, and the occasional existential crisis.
Critics say this will disproportionately affect the elderly, people with disabilities, and anyone who still remembers the joy of a friendly mail carrier. A spokesperson from Ottawa reassured Canadians: “We promise you’ll still get your mail… eventually. Maybe.”
