Canada Announces Bold New Climate Plan Involving Much More Oil

As part of a historic climate agreement announced Friday, the federal and Alberta governments confirmed that Canada will finally tackle emissions by building an entirely new pipeline and promising to feel conflicted about it later.

Prime Minister Mark Carney and Alberta Premier Danielle Smith unveiled the deal in Calgary while carefully avoiding reporters, follow-up questions, and several visible irony-related injuries.

The agreement would increase Alberta’s industrial carbon price at a “less emotionally upsetting pace,” while fast-tracking a West Coast oil pipeline deemed vital to Canada’s transition toward whatever this is now.

Officials say construction could begin by September 2027, assuming environmental reviews, Indigenous consultations, interprovincial disputes, and basic human shame don’t interfere.

Both governments stressed their commitment to consultation with Indigenous communities, clarifying that they intend to listen respectfully before proceeding exactly as planned.

Experts say the project represents a bold new era of Canadian climate policy, where every tonne of carbon emitted is spiritually offset by repeatedly saying the phrase “net zero” at press conferences.

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