Breaking: Satire Writers Unable to Compete with Actual Headlines for 365th Day Straight

At Breakfast Scotch National, writers gathered this morning around a flickering monitor and a shared sense of dread, asking the same question they ask every day: “Is there anything… not terrible?”

There was not.

Remarkably, the site has only existed for one year, though staff confirm it has felt “conservatively, 47.” Senior editor Mark, now legally classified as “running on fumes,” scrolled through headlines ranging from “mildly apocalyptic” to “actively on fire,” before sighing and opening a fresh document titled Cool, Cool, Cool, Everything Is Fine Again. It is the 847th draft this week.

“We launched thinking we’d have years before things got this bleak,” said one writer, staring blankly into a coffee that hasn’t worked since 2019. “Instead, year one came out swinging like it had something to prove.”

The team briefly considered covering something uplifting, but after ten minutes of searching found only a raccoon learning to use a vending machine—and it had a knife.

They published it anyway.

Thanks for 1 year everyone! The support and kind words (and not so kind from some of you) helps keep us going.

---

---