Alberta to Ensure School Books Are “Age-Appropriate,” Whatever That Means Now
In a bold move to protect children from the dangerous world of metaphor, Alberta’s government announced new regulations last week requiring all books in schools to be deemed “age-appropriate” — a term officials assure us is “completely objective” and “not at all vague.”
Education Minister Carol Wrathburn, standing in front of a freshly redacted copy of Charlotte’s Web, declared that “children deserve books that reflect Alberta values — like rugged independence, moral absolutism, and preferably no mention of pigs talking about death.”
The new guidelines will establish review boards to assess whether each book contains “sensitive content,” “confusing ideas,” or “unwholesome talking animals.” While exact criteria have not been released, sources confirm that anything mentioning puberty, climate change, or empathy for anyone living more than 50 kilometers from a pipeline may be flagged.
“Books like The Catcher in the Rye are deeply problematic,” said one anonymous bureaucrat. “Not only is the protagonist moody and disaffected, but he also uses sarcasm — a gateway literary device that leads to satire.”
Some parents have voiced concerns. “My kid’s school just pulled Green Eggs and Ham,” said local mother Jennifer Thorpe. “Apparently the idea of trying new things is considered ‘politically loaded.’”
Meanwhile, the province is reportedly considering commissioning its own “wholesome, Alberta-friendly” reading list. Early drafts include The Very Conservative Caterpillar and Goodnight Bitumen.
Wrathburn insists the move is about protecting innocence, not censorship. “We’re not banning books,” she said. “We’re just keeping them safe. In storage. Indefinitely.”
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