In a shocking twist of democracy, former Alberta deputy premier Thomas Lukaszuk announced his “Please Let’s Just Stay in Canada” petition has not only gone viral but obliterated the required 294,000 signatures – reaching over 456,000. “Honestly, I just wanted to calm everyone down,” Lukaszuk said, visibly bewildered by the province’s sudden burst of national affection.
Premier Danielle Smith, long flirting with separatist rhetoric like a teenager texting an ex, now faces the awkward reality that most Albertans would rather endure Ottawa than international customs at the Saskatchewan border. “It’s disappointing,” said one anonymous separatist. “We had already printed new passports featuring oil rigs and elk.”
Political analysts say the petition’s success might finally bury Alberta separatism – or at least send it into a deep, passive-aggressive hibernation. “It’s official,” said Lukaszuk. “We’re Canadian again. Sorry about that.”
