Elections Alberta has confirmed that the “Forever Canadian” petition – the political equivalent of loudly reminding your roommate you still pay rent – has cleared the bar with over 404,000 verified signatures. That’s well above the required 293,976, despite separatist groups insisting that statistical sampling is “just another federal conspiracy, like gravity.”
Launched by former deputy premier Thomas Lukaszuk, the petition asks the radical question: Should Alberta remain in Canada? In a shocking twist, roughly 13.6% of Alberta voters signed on, apparently preferring snow, Tim Hortons, and functional trade routes to launching the Republic of Wild Rose.
While the petition could trigger a referendum, Lukaszuk hopes Premier Danielle Smith will simply have MLAs vote instead, sparing Albertans the cost and chaos of a province-wide argument already settled at family dinners.
“Referendums are expensive, divisive, and completely unnecessary when everyone knows the ending,” Lukaszuk said. Separatists were unavailable for comment, reportedly busy drafting a petition to overturn arithmetic.
