Alberta nurses Suggests Hospitals Should Maybe Not Feel Like Battle Arenas

In what officials are generously calling “an unfortunate escalation,” a patient was stabbed at the Royal Alexandra Hospital, a facility that increasingly doubles as both emergency room and live-action stress test.

The United Nurses of Alberta (UNA), apparently under the radical impression that hospitals should be safe, is asking the government to consider such fringe ideas as weapons detectors and, daringly, enough staff to prevent Lord of the Flies: Triage Edition.

UNA President Heather Smith described the April 3 incident as a “critical failure,” which is polite union-speak for “how did we get here?” In a letter to Health Minister Matt Jones, she suggested that overcrowding, endless wait times, and a general sense of despair might not be ideal vibes for conflict de-escalation.

Meanwhile, police reported a man wielding a “three-edged weapon,” proving that while hospital capacity may be limited, creativity is not.

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