Alberta Locks Clocks Forward, Hopes No One Notices Democracy Slipped Back

In a bold effort to finally defeat time itself, Danielle Smith’s government is preparing legislation to make daylight saving time permanent in Alberta, because if you can’t manage the economy, at least you can manage the sun.

Sources say the move will arrive via an omnibus bill, that beloved legislative tradition where unrelated decisions are bundled together like socks in a political dryer. The change means Albertans will stop adjusting their clocks twice a year and instead commit to being permanently one hour ahead, of something, though experts are unclear what.

This comes despite a 2021 referendum where Albertans narrowly rejected the idea, proving once again that democracy is less of a rule and more of a light suggestion.

The government insists the move promotes consistency, aligning Alberta with Saskatchewan and confusing British Columbia, which is already permanently ahead in both time and existential dread.

Critics worry about darker mornings. Officials counter that mornings are largely theoretical anyway.

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