Alberta Bill 29 Introduces Exciting New Symptom: Financial Ruin
In the Year of Our Lord 2036, somewhere in the Formerly Public Province of Alberta, I write this by candlelight, billing myself $49.99 for the privilege of self-reflection. Historians agree the collapse began with Bill 29, when Adriana LaGrange and Danielle Smith bravely liberated diagnostics from the tyranny of referrals.
At first, it was empowering. You could buy an MRI like a latte. Then came tiered pricing: Basic Scan (results may contain vibes), Premium Scan (includes contrast dye and hope). Soon, blood tests required financing plans, and pharmacists became frontier traders of suboxone and whispered mercy.
Now, we barter for CT scans in parking lots. The wealthy fled west to British Columbia, which built a wall and calls itself a “utopia,” provided you earn $250,000 and can pronounce “wellness corridor.”
We used to triage by urgency. Now we triage by credit score. Progress, they said. And technically, they were right, just not about the direction.
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