Alberta Assures Disabled Residents Starvation Builds Character
The Alberta government unveiled its replacement for AISH this week, proving once again that if you workshop the name hard enough, almost anything sounds compassionate.
Under the new Alberta Disability Assistance Program (ADAP), thousands of disabled Albertans will automatically receive $200 less per month; because apparently the province discovered vulnerable people have been recklessly overindulging in luxuries like groceries and indoor heating.
Municipalities across Alberta, including Edmonton, Calgary, and Lethbridge, are urging the province to pause the changes before anyone accidentally dies from an Excel spreadsheet.
Government officials insist the cuts are about “modernization,” which in provincial politics traditionally means taking something away from poor people while unveiling a logo with softer colours.
Insiders say the province rejected alternative names for the program, including:
“Operation Figure It Out,”
“Bootstraps But For Wheelchairs,”
and “Medical Hunger Games.”
At press time, Alberta was reportedly considering further savings by replacing all disability payments with inspirational LinkedIn quotes and exposure to market forces.
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