Trump Teases Epstein List Release—America Braces for “Who’s Who of Nope”
Former President Donald Trump hinted this week that he might release the infamous Jeffrey Epstein client list, prompting panic attacks across private islands, gated communities, and Silicon Valley boardrooms.
“People have been asking me—very important people—not to release it,” Trump said during a golf cart press conference between holes 9 and 10. “Which makes me think I definitely should.”
Speculation immediately erupted over who might appear on the list. Early guesses include “a shocking number of billionaires with foundations no one understands,” two former U.S. presidents (including one whose name rhymes with “Hill Blinton”), a tech CEO who once tried to digitize celibacy, and at least three guys from “Shark Tank.”
Also rumored: a royal with a sweating disorder, several televangelists who hate drag queens, and a Hollywood producer currently in prison but somehow still producing Netflix hits.
Legal teams are already on standby. “If our client is named, it’s obviously fake,” said one high-powered lawyer. “If he’s not, it proves his innocence.”
Critics doubt Trump will release anything. “He’s bluffing,” said one pundit. “But if he isn’t—God help brunch conversations everywhere.”
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