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Which Slasher Villain Would You Want to End It All Rather Than Read Another Word About the Trump-Elon Feud?

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As the never-ending Twitter-tantrum between Donald Trump and Elon Musk enters, what feels like, its 847th day of mutual ego-chafing, weary citizens are beginning to ask the only logical question left: Which iconic slasher villain would you willingly surrender yourself to just to make it stop?

According to a new poll by Morbid Curiosity Institute, 36% of respondents said they’d gladly take a chainsaw hug from Leatherface over reading another “covfefe” response thread. Michael Myers followed with 28%, praised for his quiet demeanor and non-Twitter presence. Jason Voorhees came in at a respectable 21%, with respondents citing his strong, silent type appeal and the promise of a quick end at Camp Crystal Lake.

Only 3% chose Freddy Krueger, mostly because they feared even their dreams wouldn’t be safe from think pieces titled “Musk’s Memes vs Trump’s Truths: Who’s the Real Disruptor?”

The poll also revealed a surge in sales of hockey masks and earplugs, as Americans seek to dull the endless feedback loop of billionaires yelling across social media like two toddlers in a sandbox made of gold.

As one respondent scrawled in eyeliner on a mirror, “At this point, I’m rooting for Chucky.”

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