Trump Promises to Reopen the Colosseum, Bring Back Gladiator Games if Immigration Reality Show Succeeds
Former President Donald Trump, never one to shy away from spectacle or controversy, announced today that if his latest venture — the immigration-themed reality show America’s Next Border Patrol — proves a ratings hit, he will push to build an American Colosseum and “bring back the games.”
Speaking from a gold-plated podium outside the crumbling infrastructure of a Detroit bridge, Trump declared, “If people love America’s Next Border Patrol — and they will, it’s tremendous — we’re going to take it to the next level. Real action, real drama. The Colosseum. Blood, maybe. Who knows? People love blood.”
The show, which pits contestants against each other in challenges ranging from wall-climbing to border interrogation simulations, has already drawn criticism from human rights groups, as well as a cease-and-desist from lawyers, which insists it’s “not supposed to be entertainment.”
Trump, undeterred, continued: “We’re going to make gladiators great again. Romans did it first. They knew how to keep people distracted — I mean, entertained. Biden just gives you sleepy speeches. I give you lions.”
Historians have noted that the original Colosseum has been closed for such purposes since the 6th century, and Pope Leo XIV has reportedly asked Trump to “please not.”
When asked whether the new games would include actual lions, Trump smiled and started to wave his hands around. “If the ratings are good enough, we’ll see. Maybe AI lions. Very safe, very fun. Everybody wins. Except the loser. There will be lloyds of losers”
The premiere of America’s Next Border Patrol airs Friday. Viewers are encouraged to vote — for who survives.
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