Mark Carney Promises CBC Funding; Breakfast Scotch National Still Awaiting Its Cheque
Mark Carney, Canada’s globetrotting financial messiah turned public funding Santa, announced this week that the CBC will receive “adequate, culturally significant levels of funding,” just as soon as he finished his breakfast and decides what counts as “adequate.”
The former Bank of Canada governor, now Canadian Prime Minister via cryptic speeches and very expensive sweaters, assured Canadians that the national broadcaster would be “protected like a beloved antique,” though whether he meant preserved or mothballed was unclear.
Meanwhile, Breakfast Scotch National—Canada’s least-trusted, most-ignored satire outlet—remains anxiously refreshing its inbox. The irreverent site, known for headlines like Finance Minister Declares IOU Legal Tender and Canada Goose Named Minister of Heritage, has applied for federal funding under the “Essential Cultural Institutions With Dubious Intentions” program.
“We’re basically the CBC, but with more whiskey and fewer wardrobe changes,” said B.S.N. co-founder Ellis McDougall, drinking something brown out of a mug labeled “Press.” “If Carney’s handing out cheques to things Canadians ignore in both official languages, we should be first in line.”
Sources close to Carney claim he’s still reviewing the satire site’s proposal, which was submitted as a haiku taped to a mickey of Glenlivet. “He said it had promise,” one aide confirmed, “but he was also using it as a coaster.”
For now CBC waits for cash and B.S.N. waits for ice for our “coffee”.
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