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Albertans Relieved To Learn Literally Nobody Thinks Danielle Smith Is On Their Side

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A new Ipsos poll has found Premier Danielle Smith has achieved what political scientists once believed impossible: convincing both supporters and opponents of Alberta separatism that she secretly supports the other side.

The survey found a majority of Albertans disapprove of Smith’s performance, while separatists remain convinced she’s a federalist sleeper agent and federalists remain convinced she’s personally digging a trench along the Saskatchewan border.

Experts say the premier has successfully united Albertans through a shared feeling of confusion.

“Usually politicians try to build coalitions,” explained one analyst. “Smith appears to be building a province-wide consensus that she belongs to somebody else’s coalition.”

Meanwhile, Opposition Leader Naheed Nenshi’s approval rating sits only slightly higher, suggesting Albertans have entered the political equivalent of choosing between two emergency exits while the building burns down.

At press time, Smith’s office released a statement assuring Albertans she remains firmly committed to whichever position causes the most panic on Facebook over the next 24 hours.

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