Conservatives Launch “Please Don’t Leave Canada” Tour After Years Of Explaining Why Canada Is Hell
Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre announced Thursday he will campaign across Alberta against separation this fall, forcing Conservative MPs into the deeply unnatural position of explaining why Canada should continue to exist.
Speaking in North Vancouver, Poilievre called himself a “strong Canadian federalist,” before assuring Albertans he fully understands their frustrations with Ottawa because he personally spent the last several years converting them into a manageable emotional wildfire.
“All Conservatives will campaign for unity,” Poilievre said, confirming the party will now attempt the difficult task of convincing voters that the country is a broken, authoritarian disaster controlled by incompetent elites, but also somehow too precious to leave.
Insiders say the campaign slogan currently being tested is “Canada: Obviously Terrible, But Please Don’t Kill It.”
The move has reportedly confused Alberta separatists, many of whom assumed years of anti-federal rhetoric were leading toward something more concrete than an awkward national couples-therapy tour.
Meanwhile, federal Conservatives are expected to spend the fall warning Albertans that separation would create economic chaos, investor panic, currency instability, and international embarrassment, conditions experts note are usually described during Conservative fundraising emails as “Justin Trudeau’s Canada.”
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