Alberta Promises Brutal Spending Restraint For Anyone Not Sitting In Legislature

Alberta’s government announced this week that despite a projected $9.4 billion deficit, there is still enough fiscal breathing room to ensure parliamentary secretaries do not suffer the indignity of earning slightly less money.

Under the new plan, eight UCP MLAs will receive an additional $500 per month for the exhausting work of being near ministers during photo opportunities.

The announcement comes as Premier Danielle Smith continues building what experts describe as “the world’s first deluxe, executive-class government,” now featuring 25 ministers, associate ministers, and parliamentary secretaries arranged in an elegant hierarchy of increasingly specific job titles.

Officials defended the spending, clarifying that Alberta only practices austerity toward citizens.

“Seniors, disabled Albertans, and drivers must understand sacrifices are necessary,” said one government insider. “Especially if we’re going to afford more assistant deputy vice associate parliamentary helpers.”

Meanwhile, Alberta and Ottawa also signed a pipeline agreement promising future prosperity, environmental consultation and, most importantly, several more people with upgraded business cards.

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