Albertans Relieved To Hear Jesus Would’ve Turned Water Into Diluted Bitumen
Alberta Premier Danielle Smith assured Christian leaders this week that Jesus Christ not only supports a new oil pipeline to the West Coast, but would likely have personally fast-tracked environmental approvals if given the chance.
Speaking at the Alberta Christian Leadership Summit, Smith explained that the Parable of the Talents was actually about maximizing shareholder value from petrochemical exports before the apocalypse. “God doesn’t want us burying our resources in the ground,” she said, apparently referring to both crude oil and the concept of shame. The proposed pipeline, paired with a $20-billion carbon capture project, is expected to move millions of barrels of oil and approximately three molecules of captured carbon annually. Several attendees reportedly nodded along while imagining Jesus replacing water with diluted bitumen at the wedding in Cana.
Historians noted Alberta’s oil patch has long blended Christianity and fossil fuels, creating a uniquely prairie-based theology where salvation comes through deregulation, eternal life begins after quarterly earnings reports, and the meek inherit whatever land hasn’t yet been converted into a tailings pond.
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