Alberta Man Who Owns 14 ‘Fuck Trudeau’ Flags Calls Court Decision ‘Divisive’
Alberta’s dream of becoming the world’s first landlocked divorced dad nation hit a small legal snag this week after a judge ruled the province couldn’t just speedrun Confederation without at least, legally, consulting First Nations before attempting to transform itself into a rogue petrostate powered entirely by grievance podcasts and pickup truck decals.
Justice Shaina Leonard quashed the petition outright, reportedly after realizing the constitutional framework behind Alberta separation was “roughly equivalent to a Facebook comment written during a divorce.”
Several First Nations argued the referendum process ignored treaty obligations and Indigenous consultation requirements. Lawyers for the province countered with the legal equivalent of a teenager insisting rules “don’t count anymore” because they’re mad.
Separatists had already begun preparing for independence by designing currency featuring oil rigs, bald eagles, and Calvin from Calvin & Hobbes urinating on Ottawa. One rural militia leader called the ruling “an attack on freedom,” before climbing back into a Ford F-150 financed until the heat death of the universe.
Meanwhile, Premier Danielle Smith maintained the process should continue if enough signatures are gathered, because nothing says “stable democratic governance” like trying to dissolve a country between rodeo season and wildfire evacuations.
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