Alberta MLAs Consider Settling Sovereignty Debate With Truck Nuts Measuring Contest
Alberta’s “Forever Canadian” petition suffered a tragic workplace accident this week after officials confirmed the government is under absolutely no obligation to let the public vote on it, preserving Alberta’s long-standing tradition of treating democracy like a suggestion written on a napkin in a Boston Pizza.
Chief Electoral Officer Gordon McClure and former Supreme Court Justice Russell Brown informed MLAs the petition is merely a “policy proposal,” meaning elected officials can decide Alberta’s national future themselves without the inconvenience of consulting the screaming livestock they govern.
Petition organizer Thomas Lukaszuk continued insisting the government will probably hold a referendum anyway, despite repeatedly saying he doesn’t want one; creating the province’s first constitutional hostage situation fueled entirely by vibes.
Meanwhile, UCP ministers spent the meeting repeatedly asking whether the petition actually contained wording about a legislative vote, demonstrating the government’s bold new literacy-first approach to governance.
At press time, Alberta MLAs were reportedly exploring cheaper democratic alternatives, including a coin toss, a Calgary Sun poll, and releasing two feral oil executives into the legislature to see which direction they instinctively crawl.
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