Alberta Government Promises to “Play Nice,” Immediately Hides Under Desk

New rules in the Alberta Legislature are now in effect, prompting at least one MLA to suggest Premier Danielle Smith’s United Conservative government has discovered a groundbreaking strategy: simply not answering questions until everyone forgets why they asked.

Under the updated procedures, written questions can now take up to 120 sitting days to answer, roughly equivalent to telling a child they’ll clean their room “eventually,” then aging out of the responsibility entirely.

“This is what happens when you ask them to play nice,” said Peter Guthrie, now leader of the Progressive Tory Party, who accused the government of crossing its arms, scowling, and hiding the crayons of accountability.

The changes also eliminate debate on rejected questions, effectively allowing the government to declare “I don’t want to” as a complete and final answer.

Officials maintain the reforms promote efficiency, noting it’s much faster to ignore questions than to answer them.

Sources confirm the Legislature has introduced a new conflict resolution strategy: if things get difficult, everyone takes their toys and goes home, ideally before 2027.

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