In a move described by experts as “both apocalyptic and on-brand,” former President Donald Trump has reportedly ordered the Pentagon to “immediately” resume nuclear weapons testing, ending a 33-year moratorium. The directive, delivered via Truth Social post and followed by a patriotic remix of “Fortunate Son,” calls for “the biggest, most beautiful explosions the world has ever seen.”
Pentagon officials, visibly sweating, confirmed they are “reviewing the legality” of detonating nukes in Nevada again, noting that most of the testing sites are now tourist attractions and rattlesnake sanctuaries. “We might have to move some retirees out of Las Vegas first,” one general muttered.
Trump defended the order as “a jobs program with fireworks,” adding that the tests would “make America glow again.” Economists warn the only real stimulus could be in the form of mild radiation, while the rest of the world collectively Googles “how far fallout travels.”
