In a twist that even his own mustache didn’t see coming, former Trump national security adviser John Bolton has been criminally indicted, reportedly for “unauthorized wars, books, and opinions.” Prosecutors allege Bolton spent years “waging foreign policy like it was fan fiction,” while profiting from tell-all memoirs nobody finished.
According to the indictment, Bolton is accused of “knowingly conspiring with himself” to undermine diplomacy and “possess classified arrogance with intent to distribute.” Sources say the mustache has been offered immunity in exchange for testimony.
Bolton’s lawyer called the charges “a political witch hunt by people who never understood his unique blend of patriotism and pyromania.” Meanwhile, former colleagues described him as “a man who thought every problem could be solved with a small war and a large advance.”
If convicted, Bolton faces up to 20 years, or an ambassadorship, whichever comes first.
